get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
