i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
