this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
