It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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