The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
