she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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