Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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