ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
