Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
