K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
