i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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