be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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