Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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