There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
