the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
