so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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