Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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