He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
