So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
