Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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