Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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