Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
