If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
