I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
