thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
