I could make wine with my vomit
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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