how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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