Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
