He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
