I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
