I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
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Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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