Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
