His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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