Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
