We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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