I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
