I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
