The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
