did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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