finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
