I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
