Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
