I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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