Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
