Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
