FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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