I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
