Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
