Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
