ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
