In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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