Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
