she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
