Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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