New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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