i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
