I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This is my gift to your gina
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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