Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
