make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
They have beer where we have blood.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
