I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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